Strange Doctrines

John Cottingham: Undergraduate Sophist

Shorter John Cottingham: Would that all atheists had the humility to realize that the only thing that can save all of humankind from its moral inventions are the religious doctrines I prefer to believe in.

(Via Arts & Letters Daily.)

Theogony

In the beginning, there were no meanings.

And then Man said, “Let there be Meaning!”

And on that day, God was born.

The Parable of God's Retirement

What with the sun's being about to enter its red-giant phase, God realized it was time to get the End Times rolling. (He had always thought that the imminent, literal end of the solar system would be a reasonably clear sign to everyone. But anyway...)

First, then, the tribulation. The Antichrist induced war among all men. Then came pestilence. Famine. Earthquakes. Surviving populations fled to caves to escape the molten fragments of planet and moon and star hurtling toward earth. The wicked were slaughtered, rendering the seas boiling cauldrons of human blood and viscera. In short, just the kind of wholesale ghastliness one would expect from the penultimate stage of any lovingly plotted eschatology.

But then the Messiah returned to earth. And the dead were resurrected. And the sinners were forever banished from the cosmos. And the rest were invited to join God in Heaven, for all eternity.

And so all of God's work was complete.

And then God pondered: Okay, what now?

Free Willy

My wife and I were at a wedding party the other day. The means of entertainment included several free-standing arcade games, among them, Pac-Man. My wife had never played, so I showed her the ropes.

Shortly, an adorable little boy approached. Call him Willy. Willy was maybe five years old. He watched, intrigued, as Pac-Man chowed down on pac-dots and battled Blinky and the other ghosts.

We asked Willy if he'd like to play. His eyes lit up. As he took my wife's spot, I explained the basics. He played a round, which ended quite prematurely. Then it was my turn. I commenced Pac-ing, explaining to Willy the meaning behind all the happenings on the screen.

But Willy didn't seem to hear me. He was concentrating; he thought he was playing. The whole time I was controlling play, he was moving the joystick, using body English, exclaiming when Pac-Man was in this or that tight spot. It was very amusing. And also illuminating. Willy hadn't yet learned which events in the world were ones he could plausibly take credit for.

Caption Needs Artist

A man suddenly finds himself in an impossibly comfortable chair in a quiet home tucked in a Pearly-gated community nestled atop a shining hill of Elysian cumulus. He realizes he has died and gone to Heaven.

Gathering his bearings, and now somehow looking over the entirety of his life, he muses:

Well, what the Hell was that all about?

The Binding of Abraham

And it came to pass, that the Angel did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.

And the Angel said, Take now thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.

And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and said unto the Angel, Get thee hence. For he saw this Angel need be Satan fashioneth himself into an angel of light.

Thus did Abraham refuse to offer up Isaac, by faith in God's goodness.

Divine Angst: The Parable of God's Existential Crisis

God was happy until one day he realized an awful truth: Even he could not conjure up objective meaning and purpose in a world that doesn't already contain it.

And on that day he realized that his existence was objectively meaningless; and all he could do was postulate a meaning for himself...

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Originally posted at Meta and Meta.

God was happy until one day he realized an awful truth: Even he could not conjure up objective meaning and purpose in a world that doesn't already contain it.

And on that day he realized that his existence was objectively meaningless; and all he could do was postulate a meaning for himself...

_______________

Originally posted at Meta and Meta.

Gautrdämmerung: The Parable of the Gift

Came the crest of Jōl, and young Oddvar was filled with good feeling by what Gautr had left under the Noble Fir: an Iron Man Repulsor Power Figure!

And with his grand new toy, Oddvar spent countless hours of childlike enjoyment. (For indeed Oddvar was still a child.)

This was until Oddvar's older brother Einar unveiled the truth: that Gautr's conjuring toys from air and delivering them on his flying horse to deserving children was but a tall tale.

Elementary: The Parable of the Analytic Detective

A dead body is found in the park. Homicide arrives to investigate.

Presently, an onlooker approaches the investigators and assures them they need look no further. The investigators look up from their work, eyeing the man skeptically. "You've solved the murder, have you?"

"Yes," he sagely replies. "It was the murderer. He did it."

Postscript: Not long after, the county coroner issued her conclusion--death by natural causes.

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Contra God of the Gaps. Originally posted at Meta and Meta.