It seems some members of this Republic are concerned that spanking might constitute a form of child abuse, particularly in cases where it leaves visible contusions. I share their concern.
And so I ask: Why not try waterboarding instead?
Waterboarding -- also known as the "water cure," "water treatment," "water torture" or simply "torture" -- is a fine way to discipline one's helpless infants without inflicting any pain on them whatsoever.* * And of course it leaves no telltale marks. Besides which, it is a most advantageous inquisitional procedure. (Believe me, a father inquiring into which of his children transgressed upon the cookie jar will not have to suffocate them twice to find out!)
In sum, waterboarding secures all the fear of spanking and more, with none of the ugly bruising. Let there be no talk, then, of other expedients.
